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Yes! Believe it or Not...
Rush Limbaugh was Actually right about Something!
SMOKING DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER!!
Recently, a study at Bob Jones University, funded jointly by Phillip Morris and Camel, produced surprising (to the liberals, anyway) results. Below are there findings.
In a test involving over 3,000 smokers, our dedicated research team succesfully concluded that smoking in no way causes cancer. Why do so many smokers get cancer? The answer is found in an age old yet very dangerous human practice: breathing. In our testing, 100% of those smokers who discontinued breathing did not die of or even contract cancer. Of those smokers who did breathe, many got cancer and died.
The implications of this are astounding. It leaves us wondering why the liberals have been miseducating us about cigarettes for so long. Could it be that liberals' true intentions are to destroy the human race? With all of their protesting air pollution and saving the rainforests, aren't they just maiking it easier for us to breathe? Is it possible that the intent of all of this "saving" the air is really to give America (and the world, but who cares about te rest of the world?) cancer? It would seem as such.
So why haven't you read about this study in the newspapers? Obviously, it's because the liberals control the media and they don't want us to know the truth. The liberal newsmedia has many safeguards that prevent the facts from reaching the public. When asked to publish the above research, the journalism fascists craftily said that they only print "legitimate research" by "reputable institutions" that use some inkling of the "Modern Scientific Method." Those statements prove their underlying conspricay to keep us uninformed.
Now, you and me, we're honest citizens. They're not like us. They are involved in a secret plot to take away all of our freedoms. Now, keep in mind, there is no proof of this. The liberals are obviously good at hiding information. Besides, the government is on their side.
Thank you for taking the time to consider this information. Remember to check back often for more pertinent studies, such as our look at how there are more Dodo birds in the world today than in the middle ages.
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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Tobacco products are extremely dangerous to yourself, your family, and the general public. Being more deadly than large incendiary devices, they should be banned. Unfortunately, big tobacco owns most of congress and rules with an iron fist, so the only thing I can do is write these tiny labels. Sorry.
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